I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
