Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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