just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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