Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
