I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
