So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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