I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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