theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
