apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
