He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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