morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize