the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door