Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
