my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
