That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Drunk is a universal language darling
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We smell like vodka and hangover
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