That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
