I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
