I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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