I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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