I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
