why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
