a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
