new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
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She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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