I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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