Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
