it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
