I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
please don't ironically join a cult
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