She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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