I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Who died my cat blue again?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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