I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
