I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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