Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
