She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
