Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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