it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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