I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
