I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
