I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
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I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
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Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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