you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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