The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
