She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
