WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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