9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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