she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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