woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I sprained my soul last night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sorry my hands just texted you
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Randomize
