mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
