Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
