she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
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I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
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not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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