Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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