During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
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Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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