if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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