You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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