When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
