Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
