Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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