I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
