i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
